Why I Started Victorious Fitness

Truth be told, I needed an outlet.

I’m a professional performer. I love what I do. But in my line of work, being able to deadlift 230 pounds and make a really good sweet potato chili means virtually nothing.

But it means everything to me.

Because it wasn’t always this way.

Senior photos 2019. Still hating every inch of myself.

I used to be a dancer. Not the greatest one, but I was serious about it. So serious that it consumed my childhood. I started dancing at 12, already feeling behind. Most girls had been in ballet slippers since they were three. I looked different. I was developing hips and thighs, which, in ballet, felt like a flaw rather than a normal part of growing up.

I had been singing and acting for years, but all of that fell to the wayside when I became completely consumed by ballet.

I spent countless hours in the studio fighting against my body. I took every class I could, stretched past my limits, worked out for hours outside of class, and slowly started eating less and less.

Until my body finally had enough.

Prom 2015. I had just done a 2-month detox and lost 10 more pounds, so my dress didn't even fit... I felt worthless

At 15, my period stopped.

And it didn’t come back for four years.

During that time, my hair started falling out. I developed tendonitis in both ankles. I was constantly lightheaded in class, running on 700–800 calories a day. I became dependent on caffeine just to function. I tried every diet you can imagine, all at once. I combined low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie, gluten-free, dairy-free, no sugar, detoxes, the military diet, and anything else that promised control.

My entire world became smaller and smaller.

And ironically, I wasn’t even “that skinny.” I just looked exhausted. Empty. There was no light behind my eyes.

But I hid it well.

You're probably thinking, "She doesn't look that different. Maybe she's just being dramatic about this whole thing." Truth be told, I never looked emaciated. I was never admitted to a hospital. I never passed out in dance class. And I'm glad it never got that far. I'm showing these photos to help people understand that a healthy or unhealthy body isn't just about what shows on the outside.

My system shut down. My heart went numb. My depression was slowly killing me. I was sobbing myself to sleep. I wanted out.

It took about a year before my mom started noticing. The tiny portions at dinner. The incessant workouts even during family time. Constant zoning out. Bringing home untouched lunches. Difficulty formulating thoughts. Weighing myself every morning. Only ordering plain lettuce and chicken at restaurants because I couldn’t track anything else.

After a year without my cycle, she didn’t recognize me anymore.

Ballet Mag SDI 2016. I was eating 700 calories while dancing 9-hour days.

Honestly, I didn’t recognize myself either.

We went to a doctor, and the immediate solution was just to get my period back with birth control. For some people, that might be helpful. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t addressing what was really going on.

So we chose a different route.

My mom took me to a natural practitioner, and there I was told I needed to gain 30 pounds to heal.

To a 16-year-old whose entire identity was tied to her weight, that felt impossible. Terrifying. Completely out of the question.

I fought back hard. I lied, snuck food into the garbage, worked out in the middle of the night, pretended I was recovering, even told my mom that I didn't need my period anyway because no one would love me enough to marry me and start a family.

I was never going to be enough.

And finally, I had had enough.

A lot of life happened in between, but long story short:

I was exhausted and frustrated, and I couldn't keep living like this shell of a human being. I reluctantly chose to start climbing up the hill to recovery. And recovery was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.

Because the physical part is only half of it. The harder part is the voice in your head. The one that tells you you’re not enough. That you’ll never be loved unless you look a certain way. That your worth is tied to your body.

Those lies don’t just go away.

You have to fight them with truth.

You have to remind yourself, over and over again:

I am enough.

I am loved.

I am wanted.

I have purpose.

My body is not the enemy.

Even now, it’s still a daily choice. I have an incredible husband and people in my life who love me deeply, and yet there are still moments where those old thoughts creep in.

The difference is, I don’t stay there anymore.

I don’t sit in that darkness.

And that’s why I started Victorious Fitness.

Not to promote restriction. Not to chase extremes. But to show women a different way.

A way to support your hormones instead of destroying them.

A way to build muscle instead of resenting your body.

A way to eat in a way that actually fuels you, satisfies you, and gives you energy.

I’m not a doctor. I’m just sharing what has helped me.

After four years without a cycle, I got it back. Not because I forced my body harder, but because I finally started listening to it. Nourishing it. Rebuilding trust.

Because when you push your body past its limits for long enough, that relationship breaks.

And it takes time to rebuild.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're allowed to start living your life regardless of how you look.

So if your story looks anything like mine, I hope this space feels encouraging.

You’re not alone in it.

And I’m really glad you’re here.